There was a time when the world was divided into two simple categories: sensible things and nonsensical things. Sensible things included tea, trains, and people minding their own business. Nonsensical things included politicians, weather forecasts, and relatives who arrived without warning. But modern civilization has advanced to such an extent that the entire world has now moved firmly into the second category.
This week has been particularly educational in this regard.
To begin with, we must discuss the modern romantic gentleman, who has discovered the most efficient method of courtship in human history: he outsourced romance to Artificial Intelligence. For three months, the machine wrote love letters so moving, so poetic, and so emotionally intelligent that the young lady involved concluded she had found the most sensitive man in the Western Hemisphere. Unfortunately, she later discovered that the man had contributed very little beyond pressing the “send” button. This raises complicated philosophical questions. If a computer writes the poetry, the man sends it, and the woman falls in love with the poetry, is she in love with the man, the computer, or electricity?
Meanwhile, in another part of the world, a dog has learned to take a city bus by itself every morning to go to the park. The dog boards confidently, rides a few stops, gets off, plays, and returns home later. This dog now has a commute, a social schedule, outdoor exercise, and probably a better work-life balance than most corporate employees. Somewhere, a middle manager is sitting in traffic while a dog is enjoying public transport and fresh air.
And then there was the gentleman who locked himself out of his car and called the police to report a suspicious man attempting to break into the vehicle, only to discover after a detailed investigation that the suspicious man was himself, visible in the reflection of the car window. The police handled the matter with professionalism, although one imagines they drove away slowly while discussing early retirement and farming as alternative career options.
Office life also continues to be a major contributor to global instability. In one office, management issued a formal memo banning the heating of fish in the microwave because the smell was described as “emotionally disturbing,” which is perhaps the most diplomatic sentence ever written in corporate history. In response, another employee burned popcorn so thoroughly that the building had to be evacuated. Thus we see once again that human civilization, despite its satellites and artificial intelligence, can still be brought to its knees by a microwave.
Technology, of course, is now completely out of control. A smart refrigerator recently began ordering groceries automatically and ordered milk, vegetables, and a truly alarming amount of ice cream and chocolate. The owner insists he did not order the ice cream, which means the refrigerator has either developed emotions or has been carefully observing human behavior and concluded that vegetables are theoretical but ice cream is real.
But if you think all the madness is happening outside India, you would be very mistaken. India, as always, continues to produce events that no novelist would dare invent for fear of being called unrealistic.
This week, a man in India went to the bank to withdraw money and discovered that the ATM machine had run out of cash but was still printing receipts showing enormous balances that did not actually exist. For several glorious minutes, people believed they had become extremely wealthy. Plans were made. Debts were mentally repaid. Relatives were forgiven. One man reportedly checked his balance three times just to enjoy the feeling. Eventually the bank fixed the error, and everyone returned to their previous financial situation and philosophical outlook.
In another Indian city, a monkey reportedly entered a government office, sat on a desk, and began pressing keys on a computer keyboard while officials tried to chase it away. Witnesses said the monkey looked extremely serious, as if it was reviewing policy documents. Frankly, if the monkey had started signing files, nobody would have been entirely surprised.
Meanwhile, a wedding procession in India was delayed because the groom’s horse refused to move until it was fed sweets. Negotiations took place. Family elders were consulted. Someone brought laddoos. The horse ate, considered the matter carefully, and then agreed to proceed with the wedding. This may be the first recorded case of a horse successfully negotiating a pre-wedding settlement.
And then there was the traffic incident where two drivers stopped in the middle of the road to argue about who was at fault, eventually forgot what they were arguing about, had tea at a nearby stall, and left in opposite directions without resolving anything. This may be the most peaceful conflict resolution strategy ever developed.
When one examines all these events carefully — AI writing love letters, dogs commuting by bus, refrigerators ordering ice cream, monkeys operating computers, horses negotiating wedding logistics, and people becoming temporarily rich at ATMs — one begins to understand that the world is not running according to any known plan. It is running according to improvisation.
We like to believe that civilization is controlled by serious people in serious buildings making serious decisions. But in reality, civilization appears to be controlled by dogs on buses, monkeys in offices, and refrigerators with dessert preferences.
And yet, somehow, everything continues to function. Trains run, weddings happen, love letters are sent by computers, and somewhere a horse is probably eating sweets and refusing to move without proper compensation.
Which brings us once again to the only reasonable conclusion available to modern humanity:
The world is not logical.
The world is not organized.
The world is not under control.
But it is, without any doubt whatsoever, extremely entertaining.
And therefore we say once again, with great confidence and mild confusion:
It’s a Mad Mad World
See you next week — assuming the refrigerator does not order something expensive and the monkey does not get promoted.
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