There are weeks when the news makes you feel that humanity is progressing toward a bright and organized future. This was not one of those weeks. This was a week when a raccoon got drunk, a fox traveled internationally without documents, a man turned blue because of his bedsheets, and people across America thought they were under attack but it turned out to be a rock from space. In short, civilization continues to move forward, but in a slightly sideways direction.
The week began dramatically when a massive boom was heard across several U.S. states. Houses shook, windows rattled, and people did what modern humans always do in moments of uncertainty — they went to social media and started guessing wildly. Within minutes, the theories included aliens, secret military weapons, foreign attacks, underground explosions, and the end of the world. It turned out to be a meteor entering the atmosphere and exploding in the sky. Which is somehow both reassuring and deeply concerning at the same time. Reassuring because we were not under attack, but concerning because apparently space occasionally throws rocks at us and our only strategy is to stand around and say, “That was loud.”
Meanwhile, in Ireland, people reported seeing a giant glowing beam of light in the sky. Naturally, everyone assumed aliens again, because aliens have now become humanity’s default explanation for anything we cannot explain within about 30 seconds. Scientists later explained that it was probably a light pillar — a natural phenomenon caused by light reflecting off ice crystals in the atmosphere. This is scientifically fascinating but also extremely disappointing. Aliens would have been far more interesting. If aliens are indeed watching Earth, they probably saw the news this week and decided to postpone the invasion indefinitely.
In Britain, a television doctor had to go on live television and publicly request that viewers stop sending her photos of their private medical problems. This means that enough people were doing this that it required a national announcement. Somewhere, there are people who believe the correct medical procedure is to take a photograph and send it to someone they have only seen on television. The internet has connected humanity in many wonderful ways, but it has also made people far too comfortable with sharing things that should remain between them and their doctor.
Perhaps the most impressive story of the week involved a raccoon that broke into a liquor store, drank alcohol, caused chaos, and then passed out. Police had to deal with what can only be described as a very small, very drunk criminal wearing a natural mask. Raccoons, it must be said, are basically tiny bandits who have evolved specifically to open garbage cans, steal food, and generally behave like outlaws in a Western movie. This particular raccoon simply took things to the next level and discovered alcohol, which is rarely a turning point for the better in anyone’s life, including raccoons.
Not to be outdone by the raccoon, a fox in Europe accidentally boarded a cargo ship and ended up traveling across the ocean to another country. This fox has now traveled internationally without a passport, visa, security check, immigration interview, baggage fees, or a middle seat in economy class. Meanwhile, humans must arrive at the airport three hours early, remove their shoes, remove their laptops, remove their belts, and still get stopped by security for carrying toothpaste. The fox simply walked onto a ship and became an international traveler.
And finally, perhaps the most human story of the week: a man woke up one morning completely blue and thought he had developed a rare and serious medical condition. Doctors investigated, tests were done, and panic levels rose — until they discovered the cause. He had slept on new bedsheets without washing them, and the dye had rubbed off onto his skin. So in the end, this was not a medical emergency but a laundry emergency. There is probably a lesson here somewhere about always washing new bedsheets, but it is unlikely humanity will learn it.
So, to summarize the week on Planet Earth: space threw a rock at America, Ireland saw a mysterious sky beam, a TV doctor begged people to stop sending strange photos, a raccoon got drunk and committed crimes, a fox traveled internationally without documents, and a man turned blue because he did not wash his sheets. If aliens are observing us from space, they are probably writing a report that says, “Earth is technologically advanced, but behavior remains deeply confusing.” And frankly, that would be a very accurate summary of the week.
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